Ay Dios Mio – Possible Chicken Wing Shortage Ahead

Fox News recently reported that due to increasing costs of feed and the high demand, less chickens will be able to be produced.

“Chicken companies produced about 1 percent fewer birds last year, due in large part to record high corn and feed prices,” Bill Roenigk, chief economist and market analyst at the Washington, D.C.-based National Chicken Council said in a release.  “Corn makes up more than two-thirds of chicken feed and corn prices hit an all-time high in 2012, due to two reasons:  last summer’s drought and pressure from a federal government requirement that mandates 40 percent of our corn crop be turned into fuel in the form of ethanol.  Simply put, less corn equals higher feed costs, which means fewer birds produced.”

First things first – I am absolutely amazed that there exists a National Chicken Council. There is truly a council on everything. According to the overview section on their website, NationalChickenCouncil.org, this group is a national, non-profit trade association representing the U.S. chicken industry that promotes and protects the interests of the chicken industry and is the industry’s voice before Congress and federal agencies. Here’s a picture of a group shot of the board of directors.

Distinguished Gentlemen

Distinguished Gentlemen

Who knew that there was a powerful group advocating for the interests of chicken? I’m all for it. But back to the article.

Apparently the NCC is estimating that roughly 1.23 BILLION wings will be consumed Super Bowl day. Do you know how much Texas Pete hot sauce that is (if you think Frank’s Red Hot or Tabasco is better, you’re wrong and your mother smoked menthols with you in the womb)? How many drumsticks will be left half eaten? Who is taking home a plate of bones for their pitbull, Biggie? Pertinent questions, all of them.

The NCC states that all of the wings could be laid end to end from San Francisco’s Candlestick Park to Baltimore’s M&T Bank Stadium 27 times! Wings are the new bread crumbs.

The second thing I noticed is that Fox News reported this. Where is the CNN coverage during this crisis? Anderson Cooper doesn’t care about black people. This is a million times more important than the Fiscal Cliff, Manti Te’o or missiles in North Korea. Lives are at stake!

Oh

Oh

This isn’t surprising. Despite the popular rhetoric that black people love chicken (we do), white people ALSO love chicken. Disliking fried chicken is unAmerican. The black US population alone couldn’t put away 1.23 billion wings, although we would try. A large and diverse group of our nation’s finest is necessary to pull off this great feat, similar to getting Obama into office twice. I mean, just look at the young man below:

He loves it...I can see it in his eyes...

He loves it…I can see it in his eyes…

Chicken is enjoyed by all races, sexes, and creeds, willing to work across all party lines. More universally loved than Michael Jackson, pre-child molestation charges (seriously, who doesn’t like Thriller?).

During these troubling times, the best way to prepare, is to (obviously) stock up on chicken wings. Visit your local Costco or Sam’s Club before the news gets out. Stock up on wings, vegetable oil, flour or breader, Texas Pete hot sauce (f*** Frank), Ranch or Bleu Cheese dressing, and celery for you health nuts. Make sure these areas are set at the proper temperatures to prevent spoiling. Also, keep your storage areas free from jackals and bandits. Protect the chicken (and Lil B) at all costs. Failure to plan is planning to fail.

calm

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Johnny Football: Future 1st Round Pick In The 2013 Racial Draft

For those unfamiliar with the Racial Draft, it’s a popular sketch from the since cancelled Chappelle Show. The basic premise of the sketch is that different racial groups draft from a pool of celebrities, often biracial or otherwise, similar to the drafts in popular professional sports.

Racial Draft

Racial Draft

http://www.comedycentral.com/video-clips/b224ei/chappelle-s-show-the-racial-draft

(since it absolutely will not embed)

Well, I have had some talks with some top executives in the Black Delegation, and my sources tell me that this year’s top pick will be none other than Texas A&M starting quarterback Johnny Manziel aka Johnny Football.

When I asked my sources why they were considering Johnny Football with the top pick, they gave me a few things they liked about his on and off the field abilities.

  • Athletic Ability

Manziel earned the starting quarterback position at Texas A&M as a freshman. He also went on to win the Heisman Trophy this year, which is unprecedented for a freshman player. On top of his powerful arm, Black scouts praised incredible speed and agility. His elusiveness and ability to evade tacklers invokes the memories of a young Michael Vick and Robert Griffin III, both prominent Black acquisitions.

His early success as a college player are more than enough, but he also possesses the intangibles that makes him almost a lock for the first pick. Intangibles such as…

  • Commitment to Black Social Agendas

While many star athletes focus on fame and popularity, it is rare to find a high profile athlete willing to publicly support a positive, possibly polarizing cause. Fresh off the heels of his Heisman win, I was impressed by Johnny Football’s willingness to show support of two important causes currently troubling the Black community through social networks. From his Twitter account:

3hunna

3hunna

Wipe me dine

Wipe me dine

Manziel’s support of these Black icons via social network shows that he has awareness of the real issues, and isn’t afraid to voice his opinions loudly. Very commendable for such a young man.

  • Fiscal Responsibility

In today’s uncertain economic times, it is important to have positive examples of fiscal responsibility. Blacks in particular are earning less than other ethnicities, so it is key that we are diligent in using our funds wisely. Luckily, we have Johnny Manziel to guide us on our path to economic empowerment.

Ballinnnnn!

Ballinnnnn!

Although Manziel received a lot of bad press for posting this picture on his Instagram, I support his decision, and believe it goes along with the philosophy of the Black Delegation. His ability to take the criticism in stride and not let it affect him is admirable.

Don't hate the playa, hate the game

Don’t hate the playa, hate the game

 

  • Professional Affiliations

Even though still a freshman in college, he has already begun making connections in various arenas. Sports, theater, music, the sky is truly the limit for this young prodigy.

Johnny Fovotball?

Johnny Fovotball?

I believe that come draft time, the Black Delegation will be happy to announce the selection of Johnny Football as he continues his trek in becoming one of the best college quarterbacks. Congrats Johnny, and welcome to the Black race.

Congrats

Congrats

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Flask Properties

Since this is Uncle P’s Flask, it is essential that I inform the masses about proper flask use.

I can grow a new one...right?

I can grow a new one…right?

The flask has been the staple of the stealthy drunk for years. Created in the 18th century, the purpose of the flask is to discreetly hold a container, generally made of stainless steel, filled with alcohol to be consumed by the carrier, often in unacceptable locations. For example, the last location I carried a flask to was one of my friend’s dry weddings, which was held in a church. The flask was in my breast pocket the entire time (when it wasn’t being consumed). I don’t necessarily feel good about that fact, but desperate times called for desperate measures. One of my companions also smuggled a chicken sandwich from a major fast food restaurant into the wedding, so I feel like my contraband was not as bad/ignorant/niggerish.

This is accurate

This is accurate

Flasks are best used in situations where discreet consumption is necessary and prevented due to various reasons. Mother of the bride has an alcoholic brother or grandma of the groom believes alcohol is the devil. Valid concerns, but these are minor inconveniences to the determined lush. The signature curvature which is trademark to all flasks is for the purpose of fitting seamlessly to the hip or thigh. Worn with a pair of slacks, the average flask is almost undetectable to the untrained, sober eye.

Let's...

Let’s…

A scientific examination of many flasks have found that the average flask contains roughly 120 milliliters (mL) of liquid. As a shot is 1.5 ounces (oz) that equates to roughly 45 mL. So the average flask will hold around three shots. Keep this in mind when preparing to fill and store flasks for future use. Sometimes more than one may be needed to be locked and loaded, much like a soldier entering combat would require several magazines. When possible, always keep a bottle of fine spirits close by to refill the flask(s) as necessary.

I'm selfless...

I’m selfless…

It’s important to remember that discretion is the key. Utilize bathrooms, closets, and other scarcely populated areas to satisfy the thirst. Although I generally support sharing among good friends and family, the flask, containing a minimal amount of liquid, is to be shared sparingly as to not empty its contents prematurely. If one cannot keep his own secrets, how can he expect another to do the same?

Outside of manufacturer specials, which include decorative flasks with alcohol purchases…

This is beautiful! What is this, velvet?!

This is beautiful! What is this, velvet?!

…check out this site for a variety of neat flask designs http://www.etsy.com/shop/YourFlask?ref=seller_info (half of the flask pics are courtesy of this site)

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Top 7 Songs To Sing Out Loud At White People Bars Before Closing Time

As a Black male who has spent considerable time among many races due to school and work, nothing is quite like spending an evening with inebriated white folks. I am a huge fan of music of all genres, but it wasn’t until 2005, when I began working at a somewhat fancy resort that I learned of the drunk white classic songs.

This resort and conference center hosted all sorts of corporate conferences as well as weddings and anniversary parties. Add in an open bar and a DJ, and fun was bound to happen.

Since Virginia law dictates that alcohol can’t be (legally) served after 2am, the period between 1:30 and 2:00 provided some of the greatest drunken ballads ever experienced. Here are some of my favorites in no particular order.

Joan Jett – “I Love Rock & Roll”

The song is the personification of rock. Heavy metal guitar riffs, leather jackets, teenage angst all mixed together with alcohol, loose morals and bad decisions. In social settings, this song represents your last chance to not go home alone. Don’t screw it up pal.

Semisonic – “Closing Time”

This is the bartender and security’s way of not so subtle way of telling you to get the hell out. I don’t think I’ve ever heard this song while the lights were still off. Go ahead and close that tab bruh.

Neil Diamond – “Sweet Caroline”

Most bars don’t play the OG version, but, all I can say about this song is, if you don’t sing the “BUM BUM BUUUMMMMMMMMM!!!” and “SO GOOD! SO GOOD!” part then you ain’t real at ALL. Close your web browser and go out and experience life you lame.

Def Leppard – “Pour Some Sugar On Me”

Why one would want someone to pour sugar on them, I still haven’t quite figured out. It’s not like salt, which could put out a fire. I’ll need to do further research in order to get to the bottom of this. Will report back with my findings.

Queen – “Bohemian Rhapsody”

This is honestly and truly my favorite song ever. It’s like a movie in song form.  Exposition, Rising Action, Climax, Falling Action, Resolution. All with incredible instrumentation, impeccable harmony and the sweet, soothing sounds of one of the greatest voices in music history, Freddie Mercury.

I sang this at a bar (majority white) for karaoke and got mad love and audience participation. And celebratory shots. I win.

Bon Jovi – “Livin’ On A Prayer”

This is also one of my favorite songs to play on Rock Band. On Easy. I am not elite.

Many a vocal cord has been strained in a foolish and desperate attempt to sing the “Ooooh-OOOOOHHHHHH!!!” part of the chorus. 75% of weekend hot tea and Halls brand throat lozenge purchases are due to overzealous attempts to sing this song. Tread carefully.

Journey – “Don’t Stop Believing”

THE penultimate last call, dude where’s my car, let me get her phone number before I forget, last ditch Russell Wilson Hail Mary throw into triple coverage and still win because of the extremely questionable call effort. If you have never screamed this while finishing your Stella Artois draft at 1:57 am on a Thursday night before showing up to class/work the next day ridiculously late and/or hungover then you haven’t lived life.

These are some of the songs I love to hear when I visit bars in which I am, much like every day life, the minority. Often times when one hears these classic staples rock, it signifies the end of a glorious night. But don’t take my word for it. What are some of your favorites?

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Why Didn’t I Think Of That? – Wine In A Box

Some things, when you hear about them, sound so absolutely genius, that you wonder why you didn’t think about them. As one who contemplates the mysteries of packaging and transporting beverages daily (not really), the realization that wine in a box is real was quite startling.

I first heard about it during Dave Chappelle’s sketch, when he asked what would be the Caucasian equivalent to the sleep aid “Ribs.” That in itself sounds like a stellar idea. Who can remain awake after a heavy dosage of pork or beef ribs? Exactly.

Anyway, wine was not my adult beverage of choice then, so it never occurred to me that it was a real product until I saw it at the store one day. In my quest to grow as a man and move further along the path to knowledge and enlightenment, I sought to learn more…

Thanks Google

Thanks Google

How easy was that?

I thought wine in a box was a relatively new invention. Early 2000s, 90s, late 80s at the earliest. Come to find out, it was actually invented in 1965! See, blogs can be educational too. The box wine process was patented by Australian winemaker Thomas Angove.

The Polyurethane “bladders” used to store the wine are less susceptible to oxidation, which can spoil wines in glass bottles once opened and not finished in a timely manner. So basically what that means is once you crack that glass, you need to finish it. Bottom line.  Bottom’s Up? (Ir)Regardless…

On the downside, boxed wines have a shorter shelf life than bottled wines. So these aren’t designed for long term storage like your glass bottles. No point in having a vintage boxed wine, as it will all be for naught. Purchase it, pop it, and pour it. Be sure to finish too. Waste not, want not. There are starving and thirsty Africans that would kill for your Franzia.

Wineries prefer it because it’s less expensive and more environmentally friendly. Who knew drinking could help save our Earth?

So that means that by…

Who needs a glass?

Who needs a glass?

We are indirectly….

Heal the worldddddd...

Heal the worldddddd…

Saving the Earth! I do this for my kids, and my kids’ kids.

Another interesting fact is “high class” winemakers argue that box wine is a cheap means for alcoholics to get drunk and binge drink. Sounds about right. A  5 liter wine box of wine, at around 10-15% alcohol (20-30 proof) goes for about $10-18. Really no excuse to drink Four Loko, Joose, or other rot gut malt beverages. at those prices.

In Australia, box wine is referred as “boxy” or “goon.”

GOON!

So for those that want to keep it real in the streets, boxed wine has been officially awarded the Official Certified Goon Seal of the United Streets Seal of Approval.

Full blooded goon, lames make me sick...

Full blooded goon, lames make me sick…

Whether you want to save the environment, get inebriated cheaply, or represent the streets correctly, boxed wine is your beverage of choice.

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Why James Bond Is “That Dude” (Revisited)

On Her Majesty's Secret Service

On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

While watching this James Bond marathon on Encore, I came to the realization that Agent 007 is in fact “that dude.” He is “a man’s man” as a good friend of mine liked to say. Now, in list form, I will expound on the British Secret Service Agent’s many desirable traits.

1. He bags the baddest of skeezers

French Vanilla, Butter Pecan, Chocolate Deluxe...

French Vanilla, Butter Pecan, Chocolate Deluxe…

I need not go through all of the females that Mr. Bond has plowed, but it is substantial. In every one of Bond’s 20+ films, he pounds at least 2 unsuspecting ladies. And he doesn’t discriminate either. American, Asian, Russian, Black, no racial creed is safe from the wrath of James Bond’s reproductive organ. No one in this day and age has a comparable lineup. Maybe Wilt.

2. Aston Martins

Aston Martin DB9

Aston Martin DB9

From the classic DB5s and DB7s to the Vanquish and the Vantage, all of these Aston Martin automobiles are beautiful machines. In a couple movies Mr. Bond could be seen in BMWs. These are generally the poorer movies. This is James Bond, on Her Majesty’s Secret Service, not Transporter 3. And of course they are never just normal, high-powered automobiles. They come outfitted with the latest technology from Q which leads me to…..

3. Gidgets Gadgets

Ayo Technology

Ayo Technology

James Bond always has the latest in technology. His wrist watch contains more technology than thirty Best Buys. Lasers, bomb detonators among other things. His car has missiles, oil slicks, smoke clouds, spikes. Not to mention the rocket packs, sweet scuba gear, space lasers. Every gadget freaks dream.

4. Alcohol

Shaken, not stirred

Shaken, not stirred

“Vodka Martini, shaken not stirred.” Every man should have a go to drink. And a vodka martini is Bond’s. If you have never had a martini before, it’s basically vodka and olive juice chilled. England’s most bad ass agent doesn’t drink Cosmos. He likes his drinks strong. And he is also well versed in other fine alcoholic beverages, whether it be a Russian Vodka or Dom Perignon ’58. Such a connoisseur of delicious libations is one to be admired.

5. Witty Sayings After Murking Someone

It's provocative...

It’s provocative…

Thunderball – James shoots a bad guy with a spear: “I guess he got the point”
Goldfinger – James throws a lamp into a tub to electrocute a bad guy: “Shocking. Positively shocking”
License to Kill – James throws a bad guy into a pool filled with piranhas: “Bon appetit”

I could go on, but it should be sufficient to say that James Bond represents everything that a man’s man hopes to be.

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