Let’s be real, next to stealing and kidnapping babies, sneaking alcohol into places that you should not is one of life’s greatest rushes. The possibility of getting caught, as well as the inherent fun involved with sipping discreetly placed beverages, gets the heart pumping in most full blooded Americans. However, this is not a task to be attempted lightly. Lots of planning and thought goes into a successful mission to sneak alcohol into a place on shouldn’t. Failure to execute can lead to being denied entry, wasting alcohol, and enduring public ridicule. Not fun. These tips will lead to ultimate success in these ventures.
These are the ideal locations when sneaking may be necessary:
- Bars With No Metal Detector and/or Pat Down – we in a recession son (I think we’re out of it, but unemployment rate is still high, so I’ma ride with it.)
- Dry Weddings – Sometimes I get in my feelings.
- Family Reunions – all your annoying aunts and uncles. Necessary to cope, plus bond with cousins.
- Work – Not really recommended, but….
- House Parties With A Lot Of Drunkards Present – Keep the good stuff on your person. Plastic bottles for GenPop.
- Long Drives (to somewhere where drinking will resume) – The pregame is an essential tool in any drinkers repertoire.
Types Of Alcohol
These are the ideal types of alcohol to transport, in order:
- Vodka – Clear. Smelless (eh…). Tasteless. Mixes well with most mixers. Always a win.
- 80 Proof Or Higher Liquor – Anything lower is pointless to smuggle. We’re not here for taste.
- Clear Adult Beverages -From spirits to wines. As long as it’s mostly clear. Always better for mixing and storing purposes.
- Beer – Mainly cheap beer. Quantity over quality.
These are the ideal accessories needed to sneak said beverages into said locations:
- Flask – All you need is this previous entry on Flask Properties.
- Plastic Water, Juice or Soda Bottle – The plastic part is important. Glass breaks. Inebriated Ns drop things. We don’t waste. Important thing to remember is the color of your beverage should match the color of the real contents of the bottle.
- 12 oz aluminum soda can – The “soda” part is crucial. My father has a friend that is always drinking “soda” and then gets giggly (Gigli?)
- Red Solo Cup – Only go with this if you don’t care about looking like an alcoholic. And only red if you real. No disrespect to the Crips. And GDs (do they make black Solo cups?)
- A Woman’s Purse – *strums tune to “This Woman’s Worth”* UNH-HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! (they’re big)
Sneaking alcohol into places is not a noble or socially acceptable venture, but sometimes due to circumstances beyond our control, are completely necessary. In these instances, you all have been instructed in the necessary ingredients to ensure a successful venture of sauciness.
If I forgot anything, hit the comments! (Comment anyway suckas)