Flask Properties

Since this is Uncle P’s Flask, it is essential that I inform the masses about proper flask use.

I can grow a new one...right?

I can grow a new one…right?

The flask has been the staple of the stealthy drunk for years. Created in the 18th century, the purpose of the flask is to discreetly hold a container, generally made of stainless steel, filled with alcohol to be consumed by the carrier, often in unacceptable locations. For example, the last location I carried a flask to was one of my friend’s dry weddings, which was held in a church. The flask was in my breast pocket the entire time (when it wasn’t being consumed). I don’t necessarily feel good about that fact, but desperate times called for desperate measures. One of my companions also smuggled a chicken sandwich from a major fast food restaurant into the wedding, so I feel like my contraband was not as bad/ignorant/niggerish.

This is accurate

This is accurate

Flasks are best used in situations where discreet consumption is necessary and prevented due to various reasons. Mother of the bride has an alcoholic brother or grandma of the groom believes alcohol is the devil. Valid concerns, but these are minor inconveniences to the determined lush. The signature curvature which is trademark to all flasks is for the purpose of fitting seamlessly to the hip or thigh. Worn with a pair of slacks, the average flask is almost undetectable to the untrained, sober eye.

Let's...

Let’s…

A scientific examination of many flasks have found that the average flask contains roughly 120 milliliters (mL) of liquid. As a shot is 1.5 ounces (oz) that equates to roughly 45 mL. So the average flask will hold around three shots. Keep this in mind when preparing to fill and store flasks for future use. Sometimes more than one may be needed to be locked and loaded, much like a soldier entering combat would require several magazines. When possible, always keep a bottle of fine spirits close by to refill the flask(s) as necessary.

I'm selfless...

I’m selfless…

It’s important to remember that discretion is the key. Utilize bathrooms, closets, and other scarcely populated areas to satisfy the thirst. Although I generally support sharing among good friends and family, the flask, containing a minimal amount of liquid, is to be shared sparingly as to not empty its contents prematurely. If one cannot keep his own secrets, how can he expect another to do the same?

Outside of manufacturer specials, which include decorative flasks with alcohol purchases…

This is beautiful! What is this, velvet?!

This is beautiful! What is this, velvet?!

…check out this site for a variety of neat flask designs http://www.etsy.com/shop/YourFlask?ref=seller_info (half of the flask pics are courtesy of this site)

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About unclepsflask

Awesomeness personified
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One Response to Flask Properties

  1. Pingback: Sneaking Alcohol Into Places You Shouldn’t – A Guide | Uncle P's Flask

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