Why Spades Speaks To The Essence Of The Negro Soul

A staple of social gatherings the world over, the card game Spades is a favorite for many because of the strategy involved in mastering the game. What’s interesting about the game is how it has become especially popular in the Black community. While the root causes of this may seem difficult to isolate, an in depth look into the game’s origins and rules may provide better insight.

Spades was created in the United States in the 1930s. It became popular right before World War II in Cincinnati, Ohio. There it spread to military bases all around the world, and eventually cookouts, college dorms, and shot houses all over. To date, the only meaningful contributions the city of Cincinnati has given to society is Ivory Soap, Bootsy Collins, The Isley Brothers, and the game of Spades.

Thanks, Cincinnati

Thank you, Cincinnati

It, along with Bridge and Hearts, is derived from the English game “Whist”, which was popular since the 18th century. It was a game of the serving class, rarely played by high class men and women, instead by hunting men and squires. Bid Whist is a slightly different version played more in the United States even now, usually by older Blacks that are referred to as “Auntie”, “Uncle”, “Grandma”, or “Grandpa” and are above average cooks who may or may not enjoy cognac and suffer from high blood pressure.

Bid Whist parties doubled as Civil Rights meetings

Bid Whist parties doubled as Civil Rights meetings

The main difference between the three games is the trump suit, which is chosen in Bridge, Β (obviously) spades in Spades, and hearts and the Queen of spades in Hearts. Proponents of Hearts are clueless why the game hasn’t gained fans in Black communities because of the importance of the Single Black Queen. Critics argue, though, that the Black King’s low value in the game could be the reason.

Nicknames for the game of Hearts (I promise I didn't make these up): The Dirty, Black Lady, Dark Lady, Black Swear, Chase the Lady, Crubs, Rickety Kate, Queen of Spades (in Turkey), Black Queen (in India)

Nicknames for the game of Hearts (I promise I didn’t make these up): The Dirty, Black Lady, Dark Lady, Black Swear, Chase the Lady, Crubs, Rickety Kate, Queen of Spades, Black Queen

As a trick-taking game (which explains some of the appeal, as we love taking tricks), the object is to accurately bid the number of “tricks” or “books” a team possesses, then obtain that amount while simultaneously attempting to thwart the other team from doing the same. Now from there, the rules can change greatly by region, city, HBCU attended or prison in which one was incarcerated. The minor variations in rules, however, are not the reason Spades is so popular. The reason is the social aspect.

A game requires at least four people. Usually more are present to also play after, and/or observe your hand and give unwanted suggestions on how *you* should play. Often food, drinks and music are present, and many will be present just to socialize and talk loudly. And nothing is more important to a Spades game than loud talking.

The perfect catalyst for the ideal Spades experience

Ingredients for the ideal Spades experience

Sidebar, but it is amazing yet confusing that when I Google image searched “Black people playing Spades” how…FEW pics there were of Black people actually playing Spades. Check for yourselves. What could be the cause of that? I know that we’re well represented on the Internet. Black Twitter has an entry on Wikipedia, plus there is Urban Dictionary and World Star. I’ll blame Miley Cyrus. If we get paparazzi shots of her at a card table maybe we could proper representation. Moving on.

Black people generally love to talk loudly and make a lot of noise anyway, so given a legitimate excuse, will likely do so. Arguing over a renege, threatening to “go to Boston”, warning opponents against over or underbidding, slapping cards down on the table or one’s forehead with intense force, all necessary parts of a Spades game. Combine the fondness of loud volume with adult beverages, food, socializing, and Bootsy Collins, it is clear why Spades speaks to the heart of the Negro Soul.

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P’s List of Worst List Makers

Ahhh lists…

This may be a feeling I share only with David Letterman, but lists have to be the worst invention since the parchment, ink and the “classic” novel, “The Crucible.” (Seriously, has anyone ever read that outside of high school? Or actually enjoyed it? I really have no idea what happens in the novel, but somehow I passed English.)

 

If you have to read this for school, take the F

If you have to read this for school, take the F

 

 

I enjoy David Letterman’s lists, as they actually do not suck, much different than the following list of lists…listed below.

Drum roll, please.

Twitter Lists

I don’t really troll much. I dispense the occasional slander. Occasionally I get overly talkative. Rarely emo, because Drake hasn’t released much new recently. But look at some of the Twitter Lists I have been added to.

Terrible

Terrible

My feelings are hurt. Go Dolphins.

 

Complex

I used to enjoy the lists on their website. I really did. And even some of the articles they post now have good subjects. For every “15 Greatest Jim Ross Dubs on YouTube” there is an “A$AP Ferg’s 25 Favorite Albums” (he’s not a good enough rapper for me to care what albums he likes), but that’s okay. No one can win them all. Unless you’re the ’72 Dolphins. Or the 72 Dolphins. The worst problem is that the execution is SO irritating.

81 different pages?! Al Gore didn't create the internet for this!

81 different pages?! Al Gore didn’t create the internet for this!

Of course I know why they do it. Get that ad revenue, Complex, I ain’t even mad. More clicks equals more mula (YMCMB$). Still, I absolutely will not suffer through their webpage.

 

Buzzfeed

The Buzzfeed lists are set up similarly to the Complex site, but the difference is 99% of their lists are about topics completely idiotic and totally irrelevant to the average gainfully employed and competently educated resident of Earth. They are so bad that they are undeserving of a complementary picture with a witty caption.

Somewhat.

[Witty statement redacted]

[Where marginally witty caption would be]

Mel Kiper Draft Predictions

The football draft has just passed, but he never fails to make incredibly awful predictions with the utmost certainty and smugness. I know that the NFL Draft is far from a sure thing, but I still like to get on him.

“(Cameron Newton) is a one year wonder. Akili Smith was a one year wonder.”

:)

Not quite…

“I think Ryan Leaf is more mature than Drew Bledsoe, he’s very much a grown up 21 year old.”

:(

Not quite…

“Jamarcus Russel…three years from you could be looking at a guy that’s certainly one of the top five elite quarterbacks in the league.”

:/

Not quite…

Well, I guess there’s always next year, Mel.

:|

Not quite…

Or not.

Forbes List

Purely added because of a combination of envy, greed and poverty. I, too, err. In all honesty, the Forbes Lists site is nicely constructed, full of pictures, and even leads with a short, inspiring quote before it directs you to lists collections of people insanely more wealthy than you currently are or likely ever will be. Thanks for uplifting me right before you remind me how broke I am, Forbes.

 

For the next topic we will have favorite options for Bullets and Numbering in Microsoft Word. Small dots? Checks? Boxes? Solid or hollow? Roman Numerals? Tune back in next time for this riveting discourse.

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Why Diplomatic Immunity Is The Best Rap Album Ever, No Homo

The Diplomats. A rap group consisting of Cam’ron, Juelz Santana, Jim Jones, Freaky Zeekey, Hell Rell, and others. They reached the height of their popularity in the mid to late 2000s after signing with Roc-A-Fella Records. Their first, and most prestigious group album, released in 2003, was titled Diplomatic Immunity. Rap music would never be the same.

Powerful Music

Powerful Music

This, readers, is the greatest rap album in the modern era. I will explain why.

  • Un Kasa’s Intro

Most people that have heard of Cam’ron and the rest of the Dip Set varsity squad had never heard of Un Kasa. I hadn’t. So how does Cam start the album? Un Kasa asks to bless the intro, but Cam’ron informs him that the album is done. But, since Mr. Giles is a caring and loving individual, he has Young Guru pull up a track, and threatens Mr. Kasa that it better not be wack. Two Gun Un does not disappoint.

It’s a shame how I rap so bananas
It’s Mr. Two-Gun Un
Mother fuckers better cock back them hammers
You might catch in the drop blowin pop wit Santana
The hawk on me’s not from Atlanta
It’s just the father to the glocks in the hamper
Look in the rear view the cops in the camera
I flow hot like blocks down in Tampa
And leave you dead pop shot from them glammers
And go down south and rock wit them bamas
And come back in the Porsche color hot banana
Vanilla coat seats piper made by Tropicana
Speakers do the wop rims do the Macarena

Yes, Speakers do the wop…

…and the rims do the Macarena…


Greatness…

  • Hell (Ruger) Rell Rapping FROM JAIL

We first meet Hell Rell towards the end of disc one. On a phone call with Juelz Santana, we discover that Hell Rell is current imprisoned, but that he will be home soon. No, this is not just an opportunity to update us on his legal predicaments, Mr. Rell leaves us with some lyrical gems. But first, he has to quiet someone in his immediate vicinity…

Ayo ma, ayo ma, be quiet I’m bout to spit this crack…

Who does he have to quiet while in jail?!

Quiet. He has crack to spit.

Quiet. He has crack to spit.

The world may never know…

  • The Unification of the North and the South

One of the best and earliest collaborations between a Northern and Southern artist since Outkast and Raekwon on the Aquemini album, the Dip Set and No Limit rendition of “Bout It, Bout It” represents the single greatest attempt to close the rift in America caused by the Three Fifth Compromise, South Carolina’s secession, and the Reconstruction Era.

Way to go, South Carolina

Way to go, South Carolina

Both crews being extremely popular, this song did a lot for NY rap/South rap relations. Are the Diplomats in fact, actual Diplomats? It seems so.

Cam had a vision. Man I seen it…

  • “I Really Mean It” Will Be Played Β At My Wedding

Take a couple sentences off, let Just live…

Although the various members of the Diplomats went on to have varying levels of success in their individual careers, this album represents the apex. A Diplomatic Immunity volume 2 was eventually released, but it will never match up to perfect storm that is responsible for creating this classic record. Rejoice amongst these blog pages, as we celebration the greatest rap album ever.

Pause

Pause

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Fake Butts/Breast Are The PED’s Of Modeling

A lot of news nowadays is being focused athletes using PEDs, that is Performance Enhancing Drugs. As science advances and times change, what constitutes a PED Β can change. Many popular athletes have been accused of using PEDs in order to give them an unfair advantage in their particular sport. Mark McGuire. Alex Rodriguez. Barry Bonds (a lot of baseball players). Marion Jones. Lebro…oh, no? Well anyway…

Oh...

Please, sir. I want summore…

PEDs are illegal because of the unfair advantage that they give to competitors. They are illegal because they damage the body, but many, especially in baseball, still continue to use these drugs.

In the “modeling” world (I use quotations because this is mainly just true of “urban models”), many are taking the easy route towards success by using the pretty hoe equivalent to PEDs by accepting breast and ass injections and implants.

Generally, I don’t have a problem with any of these modifications. My only problem is when the implants look ridiculously fake or out of proportion. For example…

:(

😦

😦

😦 😦

😦 😦 😦

😦 😦 😦 😦

😦 😦 😦 😦 😦

😦 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦

😦 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦

I made that pyramid to show how disgusted I was. If I have any typos on the upper half, forgive me. I’m not scrolling up any more. But anyhow, let’s examine some of the Mark McGuires and Sammy Sosas in the model game and why their augmentations to the “sport.”

Angel Lola Luv

Angel Lola Luv

Angel Lola Luv, although she will never admit to it, is generally assumed to have ass implants. She’s like the model Barry Bonds (even though she raps now but, no, just no). It’s amazing because she is actually very pretty. Just like Barry Bonds had a great career before his “alleged” steroid use. I guess sometimes you need that edge.

Coco

Coco

Wife of esteemed rapper/actor Ice-T, Coco is said to contain more silicone than an automobile plant. She may be the first bionic woman, as I’m sure her body will remain long after her heart stops beating, because of the amalgam of polymers used to create her shape. It appears that Ice-T invested very well.

Syringe full of Elmers'

Is a syringe full of Elmers’ worth it?

In the end though, are the modifications worth it? Just like with steroids/HGH/Deer Horn Spray Cologne that Ray Lewis used, the performance benefits may be worth the possible health problems that could occur as a result. Would that million dollar contract extension be obtainable without the extra speed, strength, or endurance made possible by performance enhancing drugs? Is that Rick Ross video appearance or King Magazine cover possible without the extra bust or rump circumference?

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Flask Tie – Proof That Science Can Solve All Life’s Problems

It seems like whenever I write a post, relevant material always comes to my attention immediately after. Β For example, after the post about Sasha Obama, the Inauguration gave us some great photographs to go further show how she really doesn’t have time for that. Well, after writing the recent entry about Sneaking Alcohol Into Places You Shouldn’t, I learned about the magnificent creation known as the Flask Tie.

No caption needed. Wait...

No caption needed. Wait…

Flask Tie is the result of a brilliant group of minds, that when presented with a problem (drinking inconspicuously while looking presentable), came up with the IDEAL solution (something presentable and inconspicuous looking that contains drink).

Inconspicuous while holding up to 8oz of your choice of beverage (roughly 5 shots worth), it is perfect in situations where one needs to wear semi casual attire, yet still have spirits readily available. The self seal prevents any spillage or alcohol related stains that could give away your unsavory activities.

So easy a caveman could do it.

So easy a caveman could do it.

Flask Tie can be purchased at Flasktie.co in a variety of colors and patterns so that one can be fashionably forward while remaining alcoholically prepared. Get yours before I buy them all (seriously).

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Flavored Vodka – What’s Next?

I’m not a picky drinker.

I will try most spirits, wines and beers. Keep the malt beverages away from me. But I’m not picky. I’m open to anything.

The biggest recent, popular phenomenon is flavored vodkas. Now this is good, because vodka, in my experience doesn’t really have a flavor. Another positive of flavored vodka is that women like it. I like women, women like flavored vodka, so I like flavored vodka. Paraphrasing the Art of War, the friend of my friend is my friend (pretty sure that’s wrong, but whatever).

Chicks dig this

Chicks dig this

But

Things are getting out of hand. Peep my newest discovery:

It's Peanut Butter Jelly Tiiiiiiiiiime!!!!

It’s Peanut Butter Jelly Tiiiiiiiiiime!!!!

Peanut Butter and Jelly Vodka.

What? Yeah…

I just tried to imagine what it would taste like, because PB&J is a delicious sandwich, but I can’t think about how it would taste as a liquor.

Meh...

Meh…

It may be good, it may not. Never knock it until you try it. But I got to thinking, with flavored liquors being the big thing nowadays, from vodka to whiskey, I wonder what is next? Hmmm…

Shrimp Flavored Vodka

"I drink so many shrimp I get i'dine pois'nin" #RIPPimpC

“I drink so many shrimp I get i’dine pois’nin” #RIPPimpC

Salad Flavored Vodka

Made with fat free dressing. Low in calories

Made with fat free dressing. Low in calories

Dorito Flavored Dressing

Available in Cool Ranch and Nacho Cheese. Comes with complimentary park of Wrigley's Gum

Available in Cool Ranch and Nacho Cheese. Comes with complimentary park of Wrigley’s Gum

Hoe Flavored Vodka

Tastes like pennies

Tastes like pennies

These are a few flavors that the public might like. Pinnacle, if you steal my ideas, at least have the decency to send me a complimentary bottle. Hit the comments if you have any more ideas for future vodka flavors.

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Sneaking Alcohol Into Places You Shouldn’t – A Guide

Let’s be real, next to stealing and kidnapping babies, sneaking alcohol into places that you should not is one of life’s greatest rushes. The possibility of getting caught, as well as the inherent fun involved with sipping discreetly placed beverages, gets the heart pumping in most full blooded Americans. However, this is not a task to be attempted lightly. Lots of planning and thought goes into a successful mission to sneak alcohol into a place on shouldn’t. Failure to execute can lead to being denied entry, wasting alcohol, and enduring public ridicule. Not fun. These tips will lead to ultimate success in these ventures.

Prime Locations

Racks e'rywurr

Racks e’rywurr

These are the ideal locations when sneaking may be necessary:

  • Bars With No Metal Detector and/or Pat Down – we in a recession son (I think we’re out of it, but unemployment rate is still high, so I’ma ride with it.)
  • Dry Weddings – Sometimes I get in my feelings.
  • Family Reunions – all your annoying aunts and uncles. Necessary to cope, plus bond with cousins.
  • Work – Not really recommended, but….
  • House Parties With A Lot Of Drunkards Present – Keep the good stuff on your person. Plastic bottles for GenPop.
  • Long Drives (to somewhere where drinking will resume) – The pregame is an essential tool in any drinkers repertoire.

Types Of Alcohol

Shots and wine and beer, OH MY!

Shots and wine and beer, OH MY!

These are the ideal types of alcohol to transport, in order:

  1. Vodka – Clear. Smelless (eh…). Tasteless. Mixes well with most mixers. Always a win.
  2. 80 Proof Or Higher Liquor – Anything lower is pointless to smuggle. We’re not here for taste.
  3. Clear Adult Beverages -From spirits to wines. As long as it’s mostly clear. Always better for mixing and storing purposes.
  4. Beer – Mainly cheap beer. Quantity over quality.

Proper Accessories

Containers

Containers

These are the ideal accessories needed to sneak said beverages into said locations:

  • Flask – All you need is this previous entry on Flask Properties.
  • Plastic Water, Juice or Soda Bottle – The plastic part is important. Glass breaks. Inebriated Ns drop things. We don’t waste. Important thing to remember is the color of your beverage should match the color of the real contents of the bottle.
  • 12 oz aluminum soda can – The “soda” part is crucial. My father has a friend that is always drinking “soda” and then gets giggly (Gigli?)
  • Red Solo Cup – Only go with this if you don’t care about looking like an alcoholic. And only red if you real. No disrespect to the Crips. And GDs (do they make black Solo cups?)
  • A Woman’s Purse – *strums tune to “This Woman’s Worth”* UNH-HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! (they’re big)
Marrying the 1st woman I meet who has one of these

Marrying the 1st woman I meet who has one of these

Sneaking alcohol into places is not a noble or socially acceptable venture, but sometimes due to circumstances beyond our control, are completely necessary. In these instances, you all have been instructed in the necessary ingredients to ensure a successful venture of sauciness.

If I forgot anything, hit the comments! (Comment anyway suckas)

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